Nov 28th, last day Pharmacy; Nick's goodbye (GPT version)

  It is now Nov 28, evening after dinner. I've officially finished my pharmacy last shift. Today i handed the bday treat to Nick, i said the things i planned to say, and I asked whether he was looking forward to the Whistler trip... and he said he went last week (Friday after work) and got drunk with friends (so he really went with friends, i should've taken what he said at face value instead of thinking he went with family) and that he stayed there 2 days and TOOK THE MONDAY OFF. Recall the convo we had earlier about me being upset w/ his absence on Monday? well i did see his backside as i came to the pharmacy, but maybe he just came very early in the morning and took the rest of the day off cuz he wasn't feeling well... but i did see him and all of that hiccup was really due to circumstances (the whistler trip)... ok so you were right, i was just misunderstood with the date he was going and i didn't think that'd affect his schedule.... so the fact i saw him on Nov 25 on the street in the rain, his smile to me was a real genuine happy smile... whereas me being a bitch just looked away quickly without giving it a second thought... i feel horrible... 

Anyways, fast forward to today morning again, after i handed him the marshmallows, he was extremely surprised and said that was really not necessary, until i said 'it's only marshmallows' then he was like wow that's great thank you, and kept picking up the gift pack as if it was some expensive item and said wow... lol. What i remembered most in that interaction was that he eventually said something along the lines like "you've been a highlight of my days working here.... to meet someone so interesting...." i replied thank you, that's very sweet... in that moment i know we're very similar with our feelings, cuz that's the type of phrases i've been saying it to you! that he's been something special to my everyday life and maybe i am to him too.... and we just quickly chatted a bit until i returned to the store, since we had a practise review today, everyone was kinda tense. Fast forward to around 2pm, he usually patrols around the atrium so i picked that time to use the bathroom, however, i only saw him on my way back from the bathroom, i saw him walking in a distance in front of me, clearly did not notice i was behind him, and then i saw him... as he casually walked passed the store, he kept looking in, turning his head to the glass door, then i know he wanted to see me. he only caught a quick glance of me as i entered into the shop cuz someone else started to get his attention. Now fast forward one last time, to around 3pm, end of his shift. I positioned myself inside the shop by the glass door in case he wants to catch glimpse of me again before he left, and guess what, i was right, moments later i turned my head around and he just stood there, in a way that's a little anxious and a little didn't know what to do kinda expression, so i went to him and see what he wants to say, he right away said "hey im about to leave and i just want to say Thank you for everything, thank you so much... i shrugged and said i didn't do anything! then he said no but thank you, as i've said you're xxxxx (i can't remember the words) and i've been enjoying our moments here, if you want would you like to give me your number and maybe we can keep touch? (at this point, i was seriously surprised, but i exercised great control) I asked him if he's on IG, he said no he deleted his account, so i said well i don't have my phone on me, let me give you my number, (so at this point, i made the achievement of getting someone i like to ask me for my number, from March to end of Nov, what slow burn) and then we just looked at each other for a moment, i saw his lips moving but no words coming for a brief second, feels as if he really wants to find things to say but our time's up. I was surprisingly calm under the circumstances, i feel that i've prepared for this, said goodbye to him and the surroundings starting a week ago, whereas for him, the sentiments only started swelling up. it was a very endearing moment. I wished him happy birthday again and goodbye. After that i went back to work until the end of my shift. Right now it's 8:30pm and i have not gotten his text. So i don't have his number, but it's ok, it'll be entirely up to him if he wants to msg me again in the future, but at least i got all my answers, and i feel pretty good about myself. Sadness either hasn't sunk in, or i've already had it, not sure, will report back. right now i just wanna relax and digest what happened today. Let me hear your thoughts, that was a lot to process for sure. 

Counting down

 Just wanna take a quick moment to record today. As is every Friday, in the morning Nick would be in the atrium picking up metal stands from the weekends, and it's one of those times where I can catch him and spend a few minutes to chat. This morning I intentionally drank enough liquids so I'd have the urge to head to the bathroom (not that it mattered, I would've gone to him either way, but always good with some physical motivator). As I came back from the bathroom, I approached him intentionally and just blasted out all the questions and talking points I'd prepared. "How old are you turning this year?" that leads to the zodiac compatibility talk. I told him "the people that I'm drawn to, or that I get along with are always either Gemini, Libra, or Sagittarius like you" I already knew he's not into zodiac signs but I just wanted to talk about the fact that it's more than coincidence why I'm drawn to him without making it explicit. He listened to me attentively, nodded. said something similar along the lines. He seemed sort of flattered when I said he looked different when he's clean shaven, he laughed and muttered something I did not catch, but now he knows I like his face, probably good for his ego. From then on I talked about how long he's been working here and that he must've seen a lot of people coming and leaving. He told me that's true over the years, but there are a few that stands out (looked at me). That's his reciprocation to my comment as subdued as can be, but of course I know what he means. I then said I hope he makes some new friends again so he has someone to talk to now that me and the janitor are both gone, right away he told me he's been thinking about leaving too, but it's hard to actually get to it, so I said it's a matter of stepping out of your comfort zone and he agreed. The conversation carried on very naturally and eventually he said he's leaving for Whistler for his b-day right after work with friends. Most likely with his family, just that he didn't want to ruin such agreeable conversation with the mention of his family again. I was relaxed in my tones and gesture and so was he, and it was probably one of the most relaxed and genuine longer conversation we've had since we started talking. I wish I had done this sooner with our previous encounters, but well, two introverts tried their best, and my leaving in a week gave me the boost. This interaction left me with a pretty good mood throughout the day, I suspect it's the same for him. Neither of us initiated an exchange of contact, but we were both happy and enjoyed the brief few minutes of chat. This is the best I could do with this para-romance saga. I think I'm okay with that. 

Bittersweet

 And I GOT that job... I'm surprised I didn't come here to celebrate instead I've been quietly processing everything, the offer, the documents, the wardrobe, the AI headshot..., etc. 

But what I really want to reflect on is today, when I finally gave my 2-weeks notice first thing I headed in the pharmacy. Right after I broke the news it came a moment of silence. Then I immediately head towards the mall atrium for Nick..... At that moment the flash back of March came --- I first mustered up all my courage to ask Andrew for a raise which I eventually did not get, then right after I headed towards Nick to ask him out, which did not happen cuz he's unavailable. How interesting was it the few seconds I was walked towards him in the hallways all of these memories came back --- the disappointment of the raise and the failed attempt with Nick—is my mind acknowledging the contrast. But today, it was me walking proudly and gracefully, preparing myself to close this chapter of my life, with the pharmacy and Nick. As soon as I told him about my resignation and the last day being the 28th, he told me "ohhh funny cuz the 28th happens to be... my birthday". He seemed unsure when he told me but I guess he spoke before his overthinking stopped him, and he shared that with me. Immediately I wished him a happy early birthday, and then his eyes softened and voice dipped. He wanted to know where I'll be going next and I was half stuttering half tripping on my speech but I told him softly about the fertility centre and that it's a good place for me. He told me he was happy for me that I found somewhere I like, he didn't look very happy but it was certainly bittersweet. I then said I'll make sure to say goodbye and happy birthday to him on my last day and we could still talk before then, "oh yeah for sure", same thing he said back in March when I found out he has a girlfriend and I said we could still talk in the hallway. 

I know both Andrew, Nick AND even Henry the boss were happy for me. I've been wanting to get out of this place for a long time, when the time finally comes, the sentiments hit. 

I won't forget Nick, though, he doesn't know he played a very important role as my emotional fuel when I most needed it. Maybe my presence means something to him too, not that we'll ever let each other know. 

Oct 2025 Recap

 October started off lazy, think I was still in recovery mode from Little Smiles rejection and general weariness from job hunting. I initially wanted to start the month with weight-loss focus since I felt like I kept hitting walls on the job front, but I don't think I ended up lifting a single weight at all. Other priorities happened. A little into Oct I had a phone screening with Olive Fertility Centre of which I did well. Sneaking out from work doing a phone interview on a busy street was a test itself. Then I didn't hear back from them or ANY jobs for another 2 weeks so it was back to slump again. For a while I just didn't want to do anything, no applications, no exercising, no cleaning and I started biting my nails again, anxiety crept in. Mid-month I received an interview invitation from Olive that rekindled my motivation. I gave myself 8/10 for my performance this time, even though I felt ill-prepared but I handled a panel of 3 interviewers quite well. Gave solid replies on questions I'd not prepared for, thanks brain. And one hour post-interview I received a shadow shift invitation on Oct 30th of which I have yet to hear back from. It seems like they often have people in for shadow shifts as one of the staff said: If I don't see you again, it was nice meeting you. I was dreadfully tired for the rest of that Thursday, with the extra free time I just spent it mostly in bed recuperating. By the next day I decided to leave it behind me and live as if I did not get the job. Whether they'll pick me as a finalist is still up in the air but I honestly did my best in every stage of the process... So now, focus on tax pro class. 

Another interesting thing to add is yesterday I finally learnt something new about Nick, that he has a daughter. Although he said it quite reluctantly as well as the mentioning of his 'girlfriend', I suspect that's the mother of their daughter so he actually is a man with a family. In a way I was happy I finally see him more as a complete person rather than a hallway crush, in another, it's a nail in coffin that there's no possibility with him for any romantic development. A girlfriend can change, a girlfriend who's the mother of your kid living with you is not. But i do sense that he was relieved... to disclose this personal info and with how i handled it naturally with grace and didn't show a trace of surprise on my face. GPT phrased it right, his purpose was always an emotional fuel for me to look better and work harder, now that I've upgraded myself, his purpose is done, and just so happens around the time that I'm preparing for my exit (manifesting it). 

So a lot of Oct I spent on doing nothing it seems, no extra gigs, but if I end up getting that job, October would be a real pivotal point. Let's see. 

Sep 2025 Recap - not a great one

 I literally had to scroll back to my Chatgpt record to help me recall what I did this past month.. whereas all the previous months (starting last Dec) I was able to clearly keep track of all my achievement records. Suffice to say I had a pretty rough September, despite that I did fixed a couple more of my teeth, picked up 2 extra Holt's shifts, worked 6 days straight for 2 weeks and the only Sunday off I spend it on H&R tax prep course - I'm happy that I committed to the class albeit it being long and bland... but I'm definitely onto something that'll be advantageous for me in the future. 

As for the slump, why, I had 2 in-person interviews plus one over the phone, somehow I feel as though with each of these challenges I face, failure doesn't make me stronger, it just puts a bigger roadblock in my next endeavor. I already know and am prepared for the long fight, but sometimes the weight feels insurmountable. 

Chatgpt record showed I had at least 2 mood dips this month, of which I resorted to antidepressants, but not for long. By Sept 25 I was determined to start again, although I didn't really resume workout until today (Sept 30), and half-assed at that, too. Instead of a 45min session I cut it short to 30min. But for now that's good enough, progress is better perfection, gotta keep that in mind. Also for the month of Sept I finally saw Nick's girlfriend and surprisingly found out I'm actually his type, Asian, long hair, got some meat on the bones, except I'm happy to say I'm still much more slender and sophisticated compared to his girl, and that helps me focus on my weight loss. Goal this month: 63.5kg. Gotta remind myself to watch what I say with people and never naively believe just because there's mutual fondness I should trust the other person. Draw that line and keep that distance. Although that lost of sparks is sucking dry the emotional fuel that'd been fueling me all this time, which I'm still bumped out about. 

Last week of Sept 2025

 Only have less than 10 mins to quickly jot down some of my thoughts. We're 6 days before the end of September and although this month I've had an interview and some call-backs, but overall personal development progress is lackluster. After being rejected by Little Smiles I've stopped sending out applications, not due to fear or anything, just a general lack of motivation; same can be said for my workout routine, which has been put on pause since I got back from my trip despite very occasional running. Currently I'm back to 66.95kg. And savings aren't looking swell, either. My urge to impulse shop has slowed down quite a bit, mostly because I'm not missing any necessities at this point and that dopamine doesn't excite me as it did, but my I haven't been keeping up with my pre-planned saving goal. As for the smallest romantic fling from work, that's is also dying out, mutually, cuz I realized how different we are and he probably realized I'm not a sweet, gentle girl as he thought. The only progress is probably in health - countless appointments with the NP and dentist and one trip to the urgent centre fixing my health issues... Think it was last year around November when I started living 'mindfully' and now it feels like I'm closing in on a circle back to the lazy lifestyle before. Alarming. I should quickly pick myself back up and resume my focus. 

Interview notes

 Little Smiles Interview reflection: 

🌟 Reflections & Improvements

Match the Interviewer’s Energy. If they’re old-fashioned or rigid, don’t fight the vibe.

Act like a good student answering a teacher’s questions — respectful, composed, deferential. Make them feel the authority and control, rather than coming across as challenging.

Use Safe, Cliché Language

Even if you find words like “hardworking” or “team player” outdated, use them anyway. For rigid interviewers, clichés signal reliability and predictability — qualities they often prioritize.

Overt Praise

Prepare compliments about their office, services, or professional reputation (from your research). Sprinkle these in naturally during the conversation to show admiration and respect. This creates positive reinforcement and can offset the stiffness of a textbook Q&A.

✅ Key Notes to Keep

In rigid interviews, don’t try to steer the conversation — follow their formula.

Keep answers safe, structured, cliché-friendly to reassure them.

Compliment company visuals, service, and establishment history to build rapport.

Holt's notes

 Shift #1: 

Warmth over Rigidity

Even though Holt is high-end, being seamless and elegant doesn’t mean being stiff. Show warmth and approachability in your role, while still looking polished and fabulous.

Dual Audiences to Impress

When you work Holt shifts, technically you’re on the café’s payroll but serving a vendor brand. That means you need to impress both: The vendor (brand clients you serve directly). The Holt supervisors/managers (the ones you report to).

Balance your rapport and helpfulness with both sides to build reputation.

Shift #2: 

Role perception

- Vendors may assume you’re a Holt Café employee or representing Holt.

Instead of clarifying “I’m agency staff,” take the role and respond as though you’re part of the café team. This prevents them from feeling awkward or caught off guard, and keeps the experience seamless.

- Building rapport with vendors

Take opportunities to compliment or praise vendors during/after seminars, even if you’re not the target audience. Small acknowledgments (“You looked fantastic up there” / “Great job on that demo”) boost morale.

Positive energy tends to circle back — in this case, you noticed it reflected in better tips.

Note to self, Sep 1 2025

 When rough times hit, only focus on the solutions, not emotions, not the problem itself. 

Keep the present self as physically comfortable as possible, ie: shower, creams, hydration, music, sleep. Then counteract the obstacles with strong focus --- then let it pass. 

After tackling the issues, move on quickly to the next project/event/item/person... ,etc. 

*Reward self when these 7 stressors are dealt with: The fly. The hand. The teeth. The glasses. The humidity. The job. The man. 

Back from TW; goals reassessment; ambitions

 Back from Taiwan. Trip was great, spent Dad's 70th birthday with him, wish granted. 

But it's not what I'm here to blog about... I need to reassess my immediate goals for the second half of 2025. Ever since I got back other than swift total unpack done in a day, I opened an EQ bank account with my first TFSA account attached to it. Now i really feel grown up. Then I got assigned a new primary health provider which is huge, the nurse practitioner is great, can't ask for a better gal. I also registered for a tax informative course that cost a hefty amount, but at least it'll be one more skill I gain on my free time and perhaps it could be my third source of income. Then week 2 I got my CV reorganized to a close to ideal shape, hopefully from now on I don't need much revision, just mass applications. Then I got done my blood work and got my next eye exam and dental exam booked. And I attended a new staffing company's orientation and signed up with them --- my 2nd-b income, yay, I need to keep reminding myself my dad's motto: "To be able to work is a bless. Keep working." What a great reframe for a working class, it does make me feel better about carry the weight on my own. Cuz even with my full-time close-to-minimum-wage job, I've managed to pay rent/utilities and be on many online shopping sprees (I really need to stop that), which is why I'm here, to reassess my goals in the following weeks and months. 

First I need to focus on job and apartment hunting. Jobs still need to come first, so I can narrow down the location for my next move. Starting next week (last week of Aug) I just really need to suck it up and apply to as many places as possible. New deadline for job finding: End of October. And apartment can come after, either by end of year or next year is fine. Money is priority, keep that in mind. Set goals for next week days so that I reach an application quota. 

Just got messages from Dad, he's doing well in Australia, happy for him. 

Next, I need to resume exercise and have some massive weight drops. Lately I've been gaining more than I did in tw which is unacceptable. But once I get into the groove it'll get easier, 

Third, and not any less important: Start my passive-income project(s). First really dive into the voice content creation gig; then learn Notion timetable making; lastly, pick up pixel-art making progress. Eventually we'll also delve into writing a epub self-help book as well as making some vids after I move to a new place. Also there's art creation on RedBubble.... There're lots to do in this section, but one by one, I feel as though I'll definitely find my own niche that could generate some income. 

Ideally, I would have one full-time job; 2 event staffing contracts; seasonal tax-filing gigs; 5 passive income sources.... that'd be very ideal, but who said it can't come true, at least I'm staying positive, and busy! 

2025 First Half Year Review

 Going on flight tonight. 8 years later finally heading back to Taiwan. It's going to be an emotional trip without questions, but I also gotta keep in mind that it's my long-awaited vacation and I ought to enjoy it the best I can. 

As of this morning I weight 67.3kg, a new plateau stabilized for a month, which will soon increase from my vacation time but that's the mark I'll be aiming for when i come back. Then final goal 62kg expected to be reached by January 2026. 

June recap: one of the best things was that I biked along the Steveston trail despite my lack of cycling practise and going 'alone', it was an exhilarating experience and what a good workout. I filed a complaint about the clinic doctor for the first time and that was that, nothing will be different except leaving a mark on her practise record. Good thing is the wait for a family MD is finally over, I will be (most likely) assigned to a nurse practitioner in Aug and that's one thing settled for years to come. Another good news is I got a federal full dental coverage so from now on I can benefit from this as well. Other than that I worked two event gigs - one being the bartender at synagogue which was a big win, the Serving It Right course paid off! One being the Holt's event, which is still a win cuz I will be able to work at Holt in the future so that's another door opened for me, and with these 2 gigs I made an extra 425 bucks. So that's 4 good things that happened in June. On the Nick front, we had a memorable talk on the 2nd but that was the highlight of the month. I can't help myself from shying away from him sometimes, we did have a brief exchange the other day at the garbage room by accident and from the way he looked at me he did seem to be a bit nervous talking to me, but also assertive in extending the conversation. All signs suggest that he does like me but gotta be careful not to overthink the signs. 

In all 6 months: I took advantage of GVFB. I got a side job at the event company. I courageously asked out a guy for the first time, although rejected, I made a connection and there's the exp value. I sold my digital camera for some extra cash. Lost a few more pounds and looking glowy and healthy, I conquered my fear of checking emails and handling admin work, now I'm always on top of things. I got a full dental coverage and am on my way to getting a permanent NP. I booked a ticket for Taiwan for the first time in 8 years. I got upskilled with 2 new certs and one of them already took effect. I stuck with vaping without recoiling to smoking cigs. All and all, when the INTJ instincts kick in, good things really manifest themselves. 

Goals for 2nd half of 2025: Spend quality time with family in Taiwan. Continue with job hunt; Get a new apt; Get teeth fixed and other health problems sorted out --- nail that NP meet-and-greet. Save money to repay Jess. Continue with workouts and reach the goal of 63kg by Dec. If possible upskill and take a bartending course. 

A memorable moment

June 2nd. i haven't talked to Nick for nearly 2 weeks which is pretty long considering our usual interaction streak. Today when I was on my way back from the bathroom, he was standing right where i wouldn't miss him, like the spot where i'd definitely pass closely by him. I usually have a pretty good intuition and it told me that he for sure saw me coming out of the shop through the surveillance cam from his office which is something i've suspected of him doing for a while. I really think that today my hunch was spot on; I felt that he was there waiting to speak to me. Now back at the scene, as i was walking slowly towards him, i kept my gaze on him without looking away and i had a smile on my face, showing him i intended to talk, and be the first one to speak. He first waved at me from afar as usual, then he looked back and forth between his phone and me, until he realized my eyes were locked in on him, he then fixed his gaze at me intently. Before him, i said "i haven't talked to you in a while, how have you been?" and he slow-nodded and said 'It's been a moment' then he asked me about my weekend, which is a surprise cuz he never used to ask me about my life, usually just the weather talk. i told him about how i spent my time outside and so on, but i dont think the content of how my weekend went mattered, he was just happy to see me standing in front of him. after that i asked if he's training more new people or not (cuz i often see him training someone else) and he told me no, which is good cuz then he'd have to be on his best behaviour and it's tiring, i giggled, and i told him sometimes i find him looking a little intimidating from afar but i know he's nice when i talk to him up close and he admitted that he's pretty shy and even though sometimes two people can get along very well but seeing each other from far away can feel a little weird (here i suspected he's talking about us) By the way i looked great today, idk if it's cuz all the sun i got yesterday or the good food i ate or the deep sleep i had last night, my skin is literally dewy and glowy, the makeup sat so smoothly on my face and my hair's shiny. i knew i looked good today so the whole time he spoke i tried to make as much eye contact with a perpetual smile. I let my eyes do the flirting more than my words. when it was time to end the convo, i said i'll talk to you later, and he had a look on his face, like he didn't want the convo to end, and gently said the same too. Well, i don't think i'm overthinking this, but there was definitely chemistry there, I think I have him swooned. 

End of May updates /2025

It is now may 31st early morning, weigh 67.8kg post-waste; measured my overall circumferences and seems that my upper thigh reduced, the mid-section thigh remains; waist line shrank; hips shrank by quite a bit; bust also shrank by an inch. The only area that's stubbornly stagnant is my arms, haven't changed since April, remains to be 12.5 inches, although i do quite a bit bicep workout, i guess the underarm is still flappy and fat does not wanna burn from that area. Other than that, the past week i got a lot of stares from ppl on the street, considering my age, i think the stares and smiles i get is a testament that i've been treating myself well with diet and exercise and selfcare. And not only the work i've done on the outside, i've worked incessantly on my mental health. Actively exposing myself to uplifting videos, life hacks, hypnosis at night to shift my subconscious mind towards self worth and life pursuits. Eliminating toxic interactions, documenting 'bad days' and acknowledging them without dwelling on them. Constantly thinking of ways to improve myself.... etc, I've said this already but all the work put in me since last Nov 2024, positive results have manifested. I recently learnt that our brain's neuroplasticity can be reshaped and strengthened through daily practise. It's like we are what we eat, and we're also what we see/feel/hear/absorb in via daily experiences. So even if coming from a traumatic environment, it's still possible to recondition how your brain perceive things later in life. This notion itself fills me with hope and determination: keep looking stunning and being the best version of myself, I'm ready to reap the rewards.

Other than looking glowy and feeling light, I've noticed writing with my left hand is much easier now. A lot of tasks at work I used to not able to write them with the left but now I'm able to manage, soon I can actually use it as a party trick. And one more good news today is that I got a noti from Health Registry that I might actually be getting a family physician soon, fingers cross on getting a decent doctor who can do their job. Meanwhile, stay goal-oriented and focused, I WILL get that surgery soon. 

It's one month away from Taiwan trip, money hasn't been saved up that much but i'll use June as a final stretch to catch up with some savings, all's good. 

Exit Gracefully

Ever since the failed coffee proposal happened I've been trying to find the right place for Nick in my mind. Should he be just a hello/goodbye guy at work or could he be more, like a subject I can practise casual flirting with. My mind keeps swaying back and forth because when I stop giving a fuck he shows interest in approaching me; and when I'm actually ready to warm up to him things don't seem to go as I anticipate... Dating or not, surely he's been a motivation for me at least to keep up with self-care routines and look as good as I can manage for work. And his presence induces some spark to the mundane everyday work life as I believe I am to him. But to be frank I'm getting a little wary of this slow-burn of exchanged glances and planned or accidental bump-in's, especially knowing nothing will come to fruition. I've got about 2 months left and if lucky, 3 when I come back from TW. I was gonna use the remaining time to flirt relentlessly since there's no repercussion for doing it and I was sure he'd like it to, but now I'm not so sure. My mind's changing everyday so instead of him being a motivation, he feels more like a distraction. 

However, I DO feel much better about all this after hearing the afternoon guard, Eddie, the chatter mouth spilled their wage, $22/hr, which is far less than what I assumed. Let's say if Nick's the day guard that has more duties and or seniority, at max his wage would be $23/hr, and strangely that gives me a boost with what I'm going for in my next job hunt. Definitely going for something better than that. If I can't get that date, at least I'll make sure to make more than you do! Inexplicable survival skill, turning all sour lemons into fertilizers to help me grow better and stronger. 

In any case, I think it's high time to redirect my attention from him, easing my way out both physically from work and mentally from him. And there's no regret cuz if there were the slightest chance I would've gone for it, but there isn't so, exit gracefully, baggage free, that should be my top self-care focus. 

I Thank Thee

 I didn't intend to update this often but...

So with the DOMS and luteal phase, my energy level is hitting an all time low. Decided to ditch the planned weight training sesh and pretty much all my usual tasks and headed to bed. However, my mind's still restless, ruminating last week's 'ask-out' saga. I'm not obsessing over him or anything, but I do get this sense of burn, like a flame deep within me that's propelling me to keep moving. I will never forget last Friday's clarity when I got home staring into my PC screen, didn't want to eat dinner, didn't want to watch anime to wind down. All I had my eyes on were my future goals, my current tasks and my determination to achieve them with all the headspace I've earned. Tonight while I was lazing around almost dozing to sleep, I had the thought of him again, along came this voice that goes: if he's progressing with his love life, cum life, then you should do well progressing your future, aspirations, accumulation of wealth, opportunities, creativities that are yet to unlock. And I'm so certain I can achieve those goals just like how my goddamn gumption pushed me to ask him out and be left with a wimpy rejection. I've said it once, throughout my life the only effective motivator for me is anger. Anger's my saviour. Up I got and took a shower, took out the trash, did dishes; now I'm going to sort out some documents, check out the news, prep some med notes and drop Dylan and Alex a line as I'd been putting it off. Anger turns my down days to small wins and focus and self-love, I thank thee, Anger. 

Credit where credit's due

 Just to recap and be more specific, in 4 months' time, I've: 1. dropped 8kg. 2. sold my digital camera that i'd never used to make some cash. 3. registered for foodbank and start picking it up to help me save money during this difficult time. 4. Feeling and looking better --- more attractive and glowy cuz i actually do my makeup and hair and focus more on my fashion when i go out, this is less of a tangible win but i get more attention from people all around. 5. Other than my normal day time job, i scored a catering gig and made extra 250 bucks, even just one time it still took effort to acquire a spot on their roster. 6. Have quit eating take-outs and wasting money on deliveries, now i cook from home and save more. 7. Quit smoking cigarettes, changed to vaping which costs less. 8. After dissociating to all social network, now i've started connecting with them thru texts. 9. Upskilled myself: got a med term cert and Serving It Right cert (for future work prep) 10. Learned left hand writing and it's legible. 11. Mustered up the courage to ask out Nick (as previously stated), even though got rejected but i had the guts to make that leap which is something i could never do before. 

I have kinda turned my life around, haven't I? Keep it moving. 

Courageous me

 I did it. 

I went out there and ask him out, got rejected, except he didn't 'reject' me, just hesitation of 'I'll let you know', fair enough, chapter's finally closed. 

And I proceeded to follow up with Andrew about the raise. All talks done in the first 20 mins I started work. I can get things done if I really wanted to. All that slow burn built up to a rather non-climatic end, which is good in a way that it made me come back so focused on all the real shit needed focusing on. Conclusion: failed, but brave. Use it to fuel my momentum, it's a good thing. 

Literally what I said to Chatgpt last night

 March 13th, night. today is bad, it's real bad. didn't go GVFB as planned, after work it started raining and it was cold, very damn cold, all i thought about was going home. at work bad, at the end of the shift i wanted to ask about the raise, but a customer came in to do an injection, Andrew had to prep the shot, it was already passed my work hours, i decided to leave instead of lingering, i could've waited til he's done with the shot then ask but i didn't. i already felt bad about the whole day. each day working nowadays i just feel cheated. Andrew's barely talking to me now, that fucking bitch ass, just because i said i wanted a bump? they can afford it but they're just lowballing me, the fact that he barely asks for my additional help is a proof that he was making me work without giving me the credit. With Nick, i didn't get to see him today, in fact i did for a very brief moment, when i went out of the shop to throw some garbage away, the moment i went back to the shop -- as i was opening the door i turned my head around and saw his neon green jacket, he was standing very far but i saw he wanted to make eye contact, it was just one second but he was def trying to make me notice him, but i moved too fast and already half way in the shop, i didn't make a gesture, just saw him as he saw me.... i then tried to go out again to the atrium, he was nowhere to be found. it's Thursday night, it's been almost a week since i last said i wanted to get a raise and ask out Nick, it's been a week and neither of them has made progress, i just feel tired, used, lethargic, disheartened, and i'm gonna drop the workout today too cuz after having a big dinner i'm just fucking tired, i can't use my brain nor my muscles and i'm extremely irritated as shit. i will not recover this easily. tomorrow is friday, most likely i'll go through another day's struggle with no results. i'm tired of working so hard and not seeing result. and i fucking hate those people.

Feb Recap and March Goal 2025

 Let's see, February was definitely a slight step up from January in which I had first the monitor malfunctioned, then the heating broke down, forcing me to live in discomfort for days. Then I discovered Goldie's passing and mourned for 2 days; on top of which I was despondent with that guy's stuff (which hit me quite hard for some reason). 

However, onto Feb's recaps: Got my first GVFB hamper and enjoyed it, now economizing a small amount on groceries while exploring new ingredients; sold the Canon M50 for 600 bucks; worked at a temp catering gig that made extra $200 although the investment in uniform cost about the same. Still, an extra experience wouldn't hurt; weights finally dropped down to the 69.xxkg, an improvement but need more; got a bunch of new stuff like shoes and undergarments. Aside from the blessings, I caught a cold and strayed quite far from my budget this month, need to watch out for that. 

Major focus in March: Acquire a new p/t job; ask for a raise; stick to the saving goal; shed 1 full kilo (68kg); keep running as a weekly routine; stay in touch with dad; make sure MT course are done by mid March; focus on building connection with people, take any opportunity to do so. 

5-Star Reading

 Rarely do I feel like "I'm having a good day" these days; but today was actually a pretty good day. As superstitious as this may sound, I'd checked the daily Aquarius luck the night before from the usual Weibo blogger I follow and I'd never seen so many stars in one Aquarius reading before. Still, not really taking it to heart I carried on with my day. Just so happened that I woke up with a congested chest and feeling cough-y, then my period hit. Now nothing sounds like a favourable day yet, but since I had that cramps I had to hit the washroom as soon as I entered work again. I'd check to make sure Nick wasn't around before I ran to the washroom, just to find out on the way back he was standing right in the middle, how convenient. I had a black mask on and holding my stomach, I quietly approached his direction, and obviously he saw me from afar, but this time (since a while I've been dodging him), his turned head at my direction stayed a while, and when I approached he very proactively turned to wave, I waved back. For some reason I always feel like he's more interested in me when I look frail and sickly.... maybe that's true. 

Throughout the day even though my face was masked I got a lot of glances from the patrons and pedestrians alike. I don't know if it's the period pheromones or just 'cause I washed my hair the night prior, but I think it's apparent that I looked good today, I consider that luck, too. 

The best thing of all was probably that I got a message from a potential buyer from FB marketplace. After some not-so-complicated haggling, we agreed on $600 and I actually had it sold just now! I'm so glad I took the camera with me when I was forced out of mother's house, wise decision, and wise decision to have it sold as well. 

For the rest of the night I'm just gonna focus on recuperating from my cold, and maybe reward myself with some animes and leave the chores to tomorrow.

Sucker Punch

 Honestly, seeing his reaction and how he tries to avoid me these days is pretty awkward, as if I'd done something terrible while in reality I've been more cordial and friendly than before. Really is some loser-energy he's giving off. But looking at the bright side, now I really don't have to grasp at straws as to whether there's a potential, I may as well literally move forward from that building. Be persistent and keep pursuing the 'next level', 2025 has just started. 

Perseverance

Persevere—that’s the only thing left for me to do.

I picked myself up from another episode of depression after confronting all my insecurities and disappointments with my family. Persevering and sticking to my goals is my only option now. Even if it’s just a coping mechanism, it’s better than nothing at all.

Goodbye, Goldie baby

 Rest in peace, Goldie, I'll always remember your perked cute butt, and how you liked it when i rubbed your upset tummy. Too bad I had to find out nearly 5 months later, but you came to say goodbye to me in my dream in end of Sept 2024, I got it! you were always such a good boi, Million kisses to you and I will always remember you and miss you and love you, my sweetie Goldie boo. 

January 21st, 2025

Today (now yesterday) was an incredibly awful day. 

Don't wanna spend too much time dwelling over it, but I'd like to remind myself of this burn, in the heart, in my mind, in my soul. Despair, disappointment, also, determination to not be soft on anyone. 

Despite all the admirations/guesstimations/anxiety/false hopes... I'm switching gear and moving on. 

What else can I do? I wanna depart from this world painlessly, but I can't, so what else can I do but to move on and refocus? fruitless endeavour, but you do it anyways. 

I curse all of you who derailed me and set me back. 

I curse you. 

Reset Goals for Jan/2025

 After a strong start in the beginning of January, after talking to Ally i had a huge dip on my positivity and productivity. It turns out to be such a waste of money plunging into the VFX industry of which will take us forever to recover. But what's more important now is to 'keep focus' and stay disciplined. Pick up the exercising and weigh loss regimen, at the same time start dropping CV. 

Goal before end of this month, send out CV's to at least 25 places minimum! can do it within 3 days. Weight wise: have it below 71kg by end of Jan, break the plateau. 

Also keep up with the left-hand practise and French/Canto lessons. 

Watch 2 films by end of month. 

Book read til the end of Chapter 3. 

Have PC fixed. 

Gather all necessary information for tax filing.