Ever since the failed coffee proposal happened I've been trying to find the right place for Nick in my mind. Should he be just a hello/goodbye guy at work or could he be more, like a subject I can practise casual flirting with. My mind keeps swaying back and forth because when I stop giving a fuck he shows interest in approaching me; and when I'm actually ready to warm up to him things don't seem to go as I anticipate... Dating or not, surely he's been a motivation for me at least to keep up with self-care routines and look as good as I can manage for work. And his presence induces some spark to the mundane everyday work life as I believe I am to him. But to be frank I'm getting a little wary of this slow-burn of exchanged glances and planned or accidental bump-in's, especially knowing nothing will come to fruition. I've got about 2 months left and if lucky, 3 when I come back from TW. I was gonna use the remaining time to flirt relentlessly since there's no repercussion for doing it and I was sure he'd like it to, but now I'm not so sure. My mind's changing everyday so instead of him being a motivation, he feels more like a distraction.
However, I DO feel much better about all this after hearing the afternoon guard, Eddie, the chatter mouth spilled their wage, $22/hr, which is far less than what I assumed. Let's say if Nick's the day guard that has more duties and or seniority, at max his wage would be $23/hr, and strangely that gives me a boost with what I'm going for in my next job hunt. Definitely going for something better than that. If I can't get that date, at least I'll make sure to make more than you do! Inexplicable survival skill, turning all sour lemons into fertilizers to help me grow better and stronger.
In any case, I think it's high time to redirect my attention from him, easing my way out both physically from work and mentally from him. And there's no regret cuz if there were the slightest chance I would've gone for it, but there isn't so, exit gracefully, baggage free, that should be my top self-care focus.
