I Thank Thee

 I didn't intend to update this often but...

So with the DOMS and luteal phase, my energy level is hitting an all time low. Decided to ditch the planned weight training sesh and pretty much all my usual tasks and headed to bed. However, my mind's still restless, ruminating last week's 'ask-out' saga. I'm not obsessing over him or anything, but I do get this sense of burn, like a flame deep within me that's propelling me to keep moving. I will never forget last Friday's clarity when I got home staring into my PC screen, didn't want to eat dinner, didn't want to watch anime to wind down. All I had my eyes on were my future goals, my current tasks and my determination to achieve them with all the headspace I've earned. Tonight while I was lazing around almost dozing to sleep, I had the thought of him again, along came this voice that goes: if he's progressing with his love life, cum life, then you should do well progressing your future, aspirations, accumulation of wealth, opportunities, creativities that are yet to unlock. And I'm so certain I can achieve those goals just like how my goddamn gumption pushed me to ask him out and be left with a wimpy rejection. I've said it once, throughout my life the only effective motivator for me is anger. Anger's my saviour. Up I got and took a shower, took out the trash, did dishes; now I'm going to sort out some documents, check out the news, prep some med notes and drop Dylan and Alex a line as I'd been putting it off. Anger turns my down days to small wins and focus and self-love, I thank thee, Anger. 

Credit where credit's due

 Just to recap and be more specific, in 4 months' time, I've: 1. dropped 8kg. 2. sold my digital camera that i'd never used to make some cash. 3. registered for foodbank and start picking it up to help me save money during this difficult time. 4. Feeling and looking better --- more attractive and glowy cuz i actually do my makeup and hair and focus more on my fashion when i go out, this is less of a tangible win but i get more attention from people all around. 5. Other than my normal day time job, i scored a catering gig and made extra 250 bucks, even just one time it still took effort to acquire a spot on their roster. 6. Have quit eating take-outs and wasting money on deliveries, now i cook from home and save more. 7. Quit smoking cigarettes, changed to vaping which costs less. 8. After dissociating to all social network, now i've started connecting with them thru texts. 9. Upskilled myself: got a med term cert and Serving It Right cert (for future work prep) 10. Learned left hand writing and it's legible. 11. Mustered up the courage to ask out Nick (as previously stated), even though got rejected but i had the guts to make that leap which is something i could never do before. 

I have kinda turned my life around, haven't I? Keep it moving. 

Courageous me

 I did it. 

I went out there and ask him out, got rejected, except he didn't 'reject' me, just hesitation of 'I'll let you know', fair enough, chapter's finally closed. 

And I proceeded to follow up with Andrew about the raise. All talks done in the first 20 mins I started work. I can get things done if I really wanted to. All that slow burn built up to a rather non-climatic end, which is good in a way that it made me come back so focused on all the real shit needed focusing on. Conclusion: failed, but brave. Use it to fuel my momentum, it's a good thing. 

Literally what I said to Chatgpt last night

 March 13th, night. today is bad, it's real bad. didn't go GVFB as planned, after work it started raining and it was cold, very damn cold, all i thought about was going home. at work bad, at the end of the shift i wanted to ask about the raise, but a customer came in to do an injection, Andrew had to prep the shot, it was already passed my work hours, i decided to leave instead of lingering, i could've waited til he's done with the shot then ask but i didn't. i already felt bad about the whole day. each day working nowadays i just feel cheated. Andrew's barely talking to me now, that fucking bitch ass, just because i said i wanted a bump? they can afford it but they're just lowballing me, the fact that he barely asks for my additional help is a proof that he was making me work without giving me the credit. With Nick, i didn't get to see him today, in fact i did for a very brief moment, when i went out of the shop to throw some garbage away, the moment i went back to the shop -- as i was opening the door i turned my head around and saw his neon green jacket, he was standing very far but i saw he wanted to make eye contact, it was just one second but he was def trying to make me notice him, but i moved too fast and already half way in the shop, i didn't make a gesture, just saw him as he saw me.... i then tried to go out again to the atrium, he was nowhere to be found. it's Thursday night, it's been almost a week since i last said i wanted to get a raise and ask out Nick, it's been a week and neither of them has made progress, i just feel tired, used, lethargic, disheartened, and i'm gonna drop the workout today too cuz after having a big dinner i'm just fucking tired, i can't use my brain nor my muscles and i'm extremely irritated as shit. i will not recover this easily. tomorrow is friday, most likely i'll go through another day's struggle with no results. i'm tired of working so hard and not seeing result. and i fucking hate those people.

Feb Recap and March Goal 2025

 Let's see, February was definitely a slight step up from January in which I had first the monitor malfunctioned, then the heating broke down, forcing me to live in discomfort for days. Then I discovered Goldie's passing and mourned for 2 days; on top of which I was despondent with that guy's stuff (which hit me quite hard for some reason). 

However, onto Feb's recaps: Got my first GVFB hamper and enjoyed it, now economizing a small amount on groceries while exploring new ingredients; sold the Canon M50 for 600 bucks; worked at a temp catering gig that made extra $200 although the investment in uniform cost about the same. Still, an extra experience wouldn't hurt; weights finally dropped down to the 69.xxkg, an improvement but need more; got a bunch of new stuff like shoes and undergarments. Aside from the blessings, I caught a cold and strayed quite far from my budget this month, need to watch out for that. 

Major focus in March: Acquire a new p/t job; ask for a raise; stick to the saving goal; shed 1 full kilo (68kg); keep running as a weekly routine; stay in touch with dad; make sure MT course are done by mid March; focus on building connection with people, take any opportunity to do so.