Nov 28th, last day Pharmacy; Nick's goodbye (GPT version)

  It is now Nov 28, evening after dinner. I've officially finished my pharmacy last shift. Today i handed the bday treat to Nick, i said the things i planned to say, and I asked whether he was looking forward to the Whistler trip... and he said he went last week (Friday after work) and got drunk with friends (so he really went with friends, i should've taken what he said at face value instead of thinking he went with family) and that he stayed there 2 days and TOOK THE MONDAY OFF. Recall the convo we had earlier about me being upset w/ his absence on Monday? well i did see his backside as i came to the pharmacy, but maybe he just came very early in the morning and took the rest of the day off cuz he wasn't feeling well... but i did see him and all of that hiccup was really due to circumstances (the whistler trip)... ok so you were right, i was just misunderstood with the date he was going and i didn't think that'd affect his schedule.... so the fact i saw him on Nov 25 on the street in the rain, his smile to me was a real genuine happy smile... whereas me being a bitch just looked away quickly without giving it a second thought... i feel horrible... 

Anyways, fast forward to today morning again, after i handed him the marshmallows, he was extremely surprised and said that was really not necessary, until i said 'it's only marshmallows' then he was like wow that's great thank you, and kept picking up the gift pack as if it was some expensive item and said wow... lol. What i remembered most in that interaction was that he eventually said something along the lines like "you've been a highlight of my days working here.... to meet someone so interesting...." i replied thank you, that's very sweet... in that moment i know we're very similar with our feelings, cuz that's the type of phrases i've been saying it to you! that he's been something special to my everyday life and maybe i am to him too.... and we just quickly chatted a bit until i returned to the store, since we had a practise review today, everyone was kinda tense. Fast forward to around 2pm, he usually patrols around the atrium so i picked that time to use the bathroom, however, i only saw him on my way back from the bathroom, i saw him walking in a distance in front of me, clearly did not notice i was behind him, and then i saw him... as he casually walked passed the store, he kept looking in, turning his head to the glass door, then i know he wanted to see me. he only caught a quick glance of me as i entered into the shop cuz someone else started to get his attention. Now fast forward one last time, to around 3pm, end of his shift. I positioned myself inside the shop by the glass door in case he wants to catch glimpse of me again before he left, and guess what, i was right, moments later i turned my head around and he just stood there, in a way that's a little anxious and a little didn't know what to do kinda expression, so i went to him and see what he wants to say, he right away said "hey im about to leave and i just want to say Thank you for everything, thank you so much... i shrugged and said i didn't do anything! then he said no but thank you, as i've said you're xxxxx (i can't remember the words) and i've been enjoying our moments here, if you want would you like to give me your number and maybe we can keep touch? (at this point, i was seriously surprised, but i exercised great control) I asked him if he's on IG, he said no he deleted his account, so i said well i don't have my phone on me, let me give you my number, (so at this point, i made the achievement of getting someone i like to ask me for my number, from March to end of Nov, what slow burn) and then we just looked at each other for a moment, i saw his lips moving but no words coming for a brief second, feels as if he really wants to find things to say but our time's up. I was surprisingly calm under the circumstances, i feel that i've prepared for this, said goodbye to him and the surroundings starting a week ago, whereas for him, the sentiments only started swelling up. it was a very endearing moment. I wished him happy birthday again and goodbye. After that i went back to work until the end of my shift. Right now it's 8:30pm and i have not gotten his text. So i don't have his number, but it's ok, it'll be entirely up to him if he wants to msg me again in the future, but at least i got all my answers, and i feel pretty good about myself. Sadness either hasn't sunk in, or i've already had it, not sure, will report back. right now i just wanna relax and digest what happened today. Let me hear your thoughts, that was a lot to process for sure. 

Counting down

 Just wanna take a quick moment to record today. As is every Friday, in the morning Nick would be in the atrium picking up metal stands from the weekends, and it's one of those times where I can catch him and spend a few minutes to chat. This morning I intentionally drank enough liquids so I'd have the urge to head to the bathroom (not that it mattered, I would've gone to him either way, but always good with some physical motivator). As I came back from the bathroom, I approached him intentionally and just blasted out all the questions and talking points I'd prepared. "How old are you turning this year?" that leads to the zodiac compatibility talk. I told him "the people that I'm drawn to, or that I get along with are always either Gemini, Libra, or Sagittarius like you" I already knew he's not into zodiac signs but I just wanted to talk about the fact that it's more than coincidence why I'm drawn to him without making it explicit. He listened to me attentively, nodded. said something similar along the lines. He seemed sort of flattered when I said he looked different when he's clean shaven, he laughed and muttered something I did not catch, but now he knows I like his face, probably good for his ego. From then on I talked about how long he's been working here and that he must've seen a lot of people coming and leaving. He told me that's true over the years, but there are a few that stands out (looked at me). That's his reciprocation to my comment as subdued as can be, but of course I know what he means. I then said I hope he makes some new friends again so he has someone to talk to now that me and the janitor are both gone, right away he told me he's been thinking about leaving too, but it's hard to actually get to it, so I said it's a matter of stepping out of your comfort zone and he agreed. The conversation carried on very naturally and eventually he said he's leaving for Whistler for his b-day right after work with friends. Most likely with his family, just that he didn't want to ruin such agreeable conversation with the mention of his family again. I was relaxed in my tones and gesture and so was he, and it was probably one of the most relaxed and genuine longer conversation we've had since we started talking. I wish I had done this sooner with our previous encounters, but well, two introverts tried their best, and my leaving in a week gave me the boost. This interaction left me with a pretty good mood throughout the day, I suspect it's the same for him. Neither of us initiated an exchange of contact, but we were both happy and enjoyed the brief few minutes of chat. This is the best I could do with this para-romance saga. I think I'm okay with that. 

Bittersweet

 And I GOT that job... I'm surprised I didn't come here to celebrate instead I've been quietly processing everything, the offer, the documents, the wardrobe, the AI headshot..., etc. 

But what I really want to reflect on is today, when I finally gave my 2-weeks notice first thing I headed in the pharmacy. Right after I broke the news it came a moment of silence. Then I immediately head towards the mall atrium for Nick..... At that moment the flash back of March came --- I first mustered up all my courage to ask Andrew for a raise which I eventually did not get, then right after I headed towards Nick to ask him out, which did not happen cuz he's unavailable. How interesting was it the few seconds I was walked towards him in the hallways all of these memories came back --- the disappointment of the raise and the failed attempt with Nick—is my mind acknowledging the contrast. But today, it was me walking proudly and gracefully, preparing myself to close this chapter of my life, with the pharmacy and Nick. As soon as I told him about my resignation and the last day being the 28th, he told me "ohhh funny cuz the 28th happens to be... my birthday". He seemed unsure when he told me but I guess he spoke before his overthinking stopped him, and he shared that with me. Immediately I wished him a happy early birthday, and then his eyes softened and voice dipped. He wanted to know where I'll be going next and I was half stuttering half tripping on my speech but I told him softly about the fertility centre and that it's a good place for me. He told me he was happy for me that I found somewhere I like, he didn't look very happy but it was certainly bittersweet. I then said I'll make sure to say goodbye and happy birthday to him on my last day and we could still talk before then, "oh yeah for sure", same thing he said back in March when I found out he has a girlfriend and I said we could still talk in the hallway. 

I know both Andrew, Nick AND even Henry the boss were happy for me. I've been wanting to get out of this place for a long time, when the time finally comes, the sentiments hit. 

I won't forget Nick, though, he doesn't know he played a very important role as my emotional fuel when I most needed it. Maybe my presence means something to him too, not that we'll ever let each other know. 

Oct 2025 Recap

 October started off lazy, think I was still in recovery mode from Little Smiles rejection and general weariness from job hunting. I initially wanted to start the month with weight-loss focus since I felt like I kept hitting walls on the job front, but I don't think I ended up lifting a single weight at all. Other priorities happened. A little into Oct I had a phone screening with Olive Fertility Centre of which I did well. Sneaking out from work doing a phone interview on a busy street was a test itself. Then I didn't hear back from them or ANY jobs for another 2 weeks so it was back to slump again. For a while I just didn't want to do anything, no applications, no exercising, no cleaning and I started biting my nails again, anxiety crept in. Mid-month I received an interview invitation from Olive that rekindled my motivation. I gave myself 8/10 for my performance this time, even though I felt ill-prepared but I handled a panel of 3 interviewers quite well. Gave solid replies on questions I'd not prepared for, thanks brain. And one hour post-interview I received a shadow shift invitation on Oct 30th of which I have yet to hear back from. It seems like they often have people in for shadow shifts as one of the staff said: If I don't see you again, it was nice meeting you. I was dreadfully tired for the rest of that Thursday, with the extra free time I just spent it mostly in bed recuperating. By the next day I decided to leave it behind me and live as if I did not get the job. Whether they'll pick me as a finalist is still up in the air but I honestly did my best in every stage of the process... So now, focus on tax pro class. 

Another interesting thing to add is yesterday I finally learnt something new about Nick, that he has a daughter. Although he said it quite reluctantly as well as the mentioning of his 'girlfriend', I suspect that's the mother of their daughter so he actually is a man with a family. In a way I was happy I finally see him more as a complete person rather than a hallway crush, in another, it's a nail in coffin that there's no possibility with him for any romantic development. A girlfriend can change, a girlfriend who's the mother of your kid living with you is not. But i do sense that he was relieved... to disclose this personal info and with how i handled it naturally with grace and didn't show a trace of surprise on my face. GPT phrased it right, his purpose was always an emotional fuel for me to look better and work harder, now that I've upgraded myself, his purpose is done, and just so happens around the time that I'm preparing for my exit (manifesting it). 

So a lot of Oct I spent on doing nothing it seems, no extra gigs, but if I end up getting that job, October would be a real pivotal point. Let's see. 

Sep 2025 Recap - not a great one

 I literally had to scroll back to my Chatgpt record to help me recall what I did this past month.. whereas all the previous months (starting last Dec) I was able to clearly keep track of all my achievement records. Suffice to say I had a pretty rough September, despite that I did fixed a couple more of my teeth, picked up 2 extra Holt's shifts, worked 6 days straight for 2 weeks and the only Sunday off I spend it on H&R tax prep course - I'm happy that I committed to the class albeit it being long and bland... but I'm definitely onto something that'll be advantageous for me in the future. 

As for the slump, why, I had 2 in-person interviews plus one over the phone, somehow I feel as though with each of these challenges I face, failure doesn't make me stronger, it just puts a bigger roadblock in my next endeavor. I already know and am prepared for the long fight, but sometimes the weight feels insurmountable. 

Chatgpt record showed I had at least 2 mood dips this month, of which I resorted to antidepressants, but not for long. By Sept 25 I was determined to start again, although I didn't really resume workout until today (Sept 30), and half-assed at that, too. Instead of a 45min session I cut it short to 30min. But for now that's good enough, progress is better perfection, gotta keep that in mind. Also for the month of Sept I finally saw Nick's girlfriend and surprisingly found out I'm actually his type, Asian, long hair, got some meat on the bones, except I'm happy to say I'm still much more slender and sophisticated compared to his girl, and that helps me focus on my weight loss. Goal this month: 63.5kg. Gotta remind myself to watch what I say with people and never naively believe just because there's mutual fondness I should trust the other person. Draw that line and keep that distance. Although that lost of sparks is sucking dry the emotional fuel that'd been fueling me all this time, which I'm still bumped out about. 

Last week of Sept 2025

 Only have less than 10 mins to quickly jot down some of my thoughts. We're 6 days before the end of September and although this month I've had an interview and some call-backs, but overall personal development progress is lackluster. After being rejected by Little Smiles I've stopped sending out applications, not due to fear or anything, just a general lack of motivation; same can be said for my workout routine, which has been put on pause since I got back from my trip despite very occasional running. Currently I'm back to 66.95kg. And savings aren't looking swell, either. My urge to impulse shop has slowed down quite a bit, mostly because I'm not missing any necessities at this point and that dopamine doesn't excite me as it did, but my I haven't been keeping up with my pre-planned saving goal. As for the smallest romantic fling from work, that's is also dying out, mutually, cuz I realized how different we are and he probably realized I'm not a sweet, gentle girl as he thought. The only progress is probably in health - countless appointments with the NP and dentist and one trip to the urgent centre fixing my health issues... Think it was last year around November when I started living 'mindfully' and now it feels like I'm closing in on a circle back to the lazy lifestyle before. Alarming. I should quickly pick myself back up and resume my focus. 

Interview notes

 Little Smiles Interview reflection: 

🌟 Reflections & Improvements

Match the Interviewer’s Energy. If they’re old-fashioned or rigid, don’t fight the vibe.

Act like a good student answering a teacher’s questions — respectful, composed, deferential. Make them feel the authority and control, rather than coming across as challenging.

Use Safe, Cliché Language

Even if you find words like “hardworking” or “team player” outdated, use them anyway. For rigid interviewers, clichés signal reliability and predictability — qualities they often prioritize.

Overt Praise

Prepare compliments about their office, services, or professional reputation (from your research). Sprinkle these in naturally during the conversation to show admiration and respect. This creates positive reinforcement and can offset the stiffness of a textbook Q&A.

✅ Key Notes to Keep

In rigid interviews, don’t try to steer the conversation — follow their formula.

Keep answers safe, structured, cliché-friendly to reassure them.

Compliment company visuals, service, and establishment history to build rapport.